Later that same night (Best laid plans reprise)

This blog post has been a long time in coming.  I've been sitting on this one for a while for no good reason other than laziness and just not feeling myself...  Rewind if you will to my previous blog post.  Shannyn and I had plans to get makeovers, do a little shopping and then catch a movie.  For a variety of reasons, we pulled the plug on the girl aspects of that adventure but still carried on in guy mode.

Although I had a very nice time with Shannyn (as always), I was dying to get home.  I had the house to myself for another day or so and wanted to maximize that time.  I had the bug to play with makeup!  Other than lipstick, I've not had makeup on for at least a decade, probably more like 13 years.

Why so long?  In a nut shell I gave up the dressing after some counseling, then got married and stayed away from the dressing for maybe 3-4 years and have been slowly rebuilding the stash.  And now I had the makeup basics and time to myself.  It was time to see if I remembered what I learned at a Mary Kay party back in 2003 with my Tri-Ess group in Iowa.

It's like 10pm at this point.  My intention was, put on some makeup and go for a drive.  I got dressed in something that I was prepared to step out of the car wearing.  It ended up being a tank top, maxi dress, cardigan and flat sandals.  The cardigan was so no needed due to the 85 degree temperature, but I just wanted something to cover my arms.

I didn't bother with much foundation as I have no clue if the color I have is even right for me.  I did the basics of mascara, eye shadow, blush, and lipstick.  I took like I dunno 15 minutes.  I had no intention of perfection, just to shift my looks more in the feminine direction.  When I was done and took it all in there were two things that jumped out to me: 1) hey that's not bad for just going for it; and 2) holy smokes, I look a lot like my sister!

At some point during the dressing and makeup I decided that I was going to drive to a Walmart and get out of the car and walk to the door.  I was not prepared to go inside, but I needed to push myself out of the car and feel the air around me!

I drove to a Walmart like three Walmarts away from my house - gotta be careful you know.  I drive into the parking lot and there is a pack of four teenage boys on skateboards or on foot (I don't remember).  I drove right past them without making eye contact.  I went past the door and parked on the far side of the lot away from any cars.  I got out and walked to the sidewalk.  While doing so a middle aged couple walk out and to their car.  We are far enough away that I didn't think of thing of it.  Oh shoot, how is my posture?  Adjust it a bit.  So I get like three feet from the door and decide I'm not going in - as planned.  I stopped and looked in my purse.  Pretending that I had forgotten something, I turned back to my car.  About half way to the car I see the group of four teenagers are heading back to my side of the lot.  I made it to the car and was rolling well before they got there.

As I'm pulling out of the lot, I was immediately struck with the notion that this is not enough.  I want more.  It's 11:45 at this point, what could I possibly do?  There was a nail salon near by that I wanted to get a pedicure (with color!) earlier in the week for the outing with Shannyn so I drove by to check it out.  I parked the car to regroup.  It turns out there is a pub style bar in that same strip mall.  I thought for about two minutes of just going in and having a quick drink and then heading home.  I didn't.  I've never been in there and would have preferred to have the lay of the land first.  Dangit, should I have just gone for it??  I played it safe.

On the way home I drove the parking lot of my local Walmart with the thought of a repeat walk but there were a group of six guys sitting outside the front door so I drove past them with a smile on my face and went home.
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It's been three months since that night.  I've dressed only a few times since.  Mainly that is because the schedules were all different with the kids being home on summer vacation and partially that since having done makeup and full outfit with accessories, the idea of partial dressing just doesn't seem good enough any more.  When I look at non-makeup pics from even just one year ago, they strike me as being incomplete.  There is one funny mistake I made that night with my makeup, I didn't put any eyeliner on my lower eye lids.

As things have settled back into the fall schedule, the schedule is not the same as before.  My guaranteed Tuesday 2 hour block has vanished.  New opportunities are about to present themselves and I very much looking forward to having at least 1.5-2 hour window so I can accessorize and at least do lipstick.  I so desperately want to get way better at eye shadow & mascara so I can have really pretty eyes.   I do not know when I'll have my next day alone for that.

Sorry/Not-Sorry (#sns) this blog post is so long - but now we are all caught up!  I welcome almost any feedback on the blog.  If not here with direct blog comments, consider heading back over to Flickr and write something there.  Thank you for reading my blog!  Hugs, Tanya

The inevitable turn in the road

Crossdressing is really great!  You get to be the exact woman that you want to be.  It's perfect amid the imperfection that is being human and trying to be something that you were not raised to be.  It's not quite so perfect when you try on some clothes that you adore only to find out that they were not made to work with your body.  It's OK!  How does it feel?  If it feels good, then who cares.  If you look in the mirror and are happy, then go with it.


Over the years I've adjusted my wardrobe to suit my body - play of the strengths and avoid drawing attention to the non-feminine aspects.  I'm happy with my results when I look in the mirror and at photos of myself.

Photos?  What is it with us and our obsession with taking pictures of ourselves.  And I mean a LOT of pictures?  For me it's a means to measure my progress and celebrate my arrival into being me.  I don't delete very many of these pictures but at some point I need to do so to ensure my kids don't discover some old hard drive after I've returned to the dirt.

My Flickr photostream was closing in on 800 pictures which is nice for me to look at but I'm sure the typical drive-by Flickrette will not take the time to look at all of them.  I certainly do not look at all of everyone elses photostream, no offense.  So the first "turn" for this post is the fact that I'm starting to prune my Flickr photos.  There are easily a couple hundred earlier pics which are nothing more than a history lesson, but not all that interesting.  Over the next couple weeks my photostream will be shrinking.

"Turn" two is the culmination of a general trend I've noticed in myself and my dressing in the past 20 years.  I started out wanting only lingerie, corsets, etc.  Pretty quickly I wanted to wear things that I saw normal woman wearing and the lingerie emphasis decreased.  This has continued over the years with me shopping for normal clothes at normal stores (Torrid, Lane Bryant, Kohl's, Target, Amazon).

As I am getting ready to taking the show on the road and going into public I've realized that I need to continue on my "turn."  You see, although I've been focusing on things that normal women wear, but that focus has been way too fancy!  The majority of my wardrobe is skirts, tops, dresses and heels.  I love most of them.  They make me so happy.  But when I think about what I'm going to wear to meet a friend to see a movie, I cannot wear a dress and heels.

And here I was all proud of myself for dressing like a real woman, but I've only addressed going to work, church, a fancy date or girls night out.  What about a movie?  What about the mall?  What about running errands?  If I want to go out and about I want to try to blend in; I certainly do not want to stand out.  I'm 6' which already feels like I have a target on my back.

I bought a top at Kohl's the other morning that will work with a skirt or with jeans.  I ordered a couple pair of shoes from Payless: mary jane flats, ballet flats, and modest 1" sandals.  I'm making that turn into modest, "everyday" clothes.  Gosh I need an invite to a fancy party though...

Let's get this show on the road!

I'm going to have some alone time this summer and I want to get out of the house.  I'm thrilled,  terrified and not sure what I want to do.  I do know that I will get in the car and quickly leave the immediate area around my home and regular places.  I suspect that I'll want to plan some simple experiences to get me into public with minimal interactions with people to help build my confidence.

If I go to Starbucks, do I have the guts to go inside or will I just use the drive thru?  Either one is a stepping stone to something more and I'll be happy regardless.  This one may come down to the vibe I get in the parking lot and how busy it is.  Am I better off going there where they are super busy or when they are slow?  If they are busy and I need the restroom, I'll be a sitting duck waiting for one.  But if they are busy there is more of a chance for me to get lost in the crowd.

If I go to a movie, I'll definitely pre-purchase my ticket to eliminate the waiting in line.  I'll skip the concessions to avoid another wait in line plus belay the need for a restroom, I hope.  Again, do I go when busy or not?

If I go shopping, it will not be at the mall - I do not want to have to walk/be exposed for that length of time from car to stores.  Therefore I'd rather do a standalone store.

This is not me (I wish!).

Burlington?  Yikes, that's a big store and lots of exposure, but I know there will be plenty for me to look for.  I'm not sure I have the gumption yet to try on clothes when shopping while try to present as a woman.  Sure, at Torrid and Lane Bryant I try on stuff most of the time, but that's when shopping in guy mode.  Now isn't that backwards!

Payless?  They are nice and small with the tall racks between isles which would give me a good amount of cover.  But I really don't need more shoes - no wait a second, yes I do!  I need super casual sandals.  I need some basic athletic shoes or slip ons.  And I can always use another pair of cute flats.  I just talked myself into Payless after all.

Sally Beauty?  Undoubtedly there is something I could use from there.  I get overwhelmed looking at beauty products since I don't really know what I need nor what colors are best for me.  But it will only get easier with practice.

Ulta?  Similar to Sally but this place is bigger and is bound to have lots more people, teenage girls in there.  PASS!

Wildcard/random other shopping?  Go to a liquor store in search of a great bourbon find?  Maybe???  Go to an adult gift/book store and shop for an intimate non-powered massager?  Perhaps.  Post office for stamps?  Nah.

Once again, NOT me.

If I go to a park for a walk, then make sure to BLEND IN!

Do I go to a club?  Where?  When?  Can I be a fly on the wall for a bit and then just get out of there?  Having never been to any club dressed nor any clubs around here anyway, I'd sure like a friend along side me.

I wrote this blog entry with two intentions: 1) brainstorming session, 2) solicit your feedback and ideas.  True to form, the act of typing this out has helped me make some decisions!  Thank you!  I need to journal more!!

And for that second intention, please share with me and other blog readers some ideas to help build confidence going out in public:
What did you do & where did you go when you were first venturing out?
What would you have done differently?
What time of day did you venture out?

I appreciate your willingness to read my blog and encourage any feedback.

Hugs,

Tanya

Shopping thoughts

Shopping for beautiful women's clothing is fun and can be nerve racking at the same time.  I've read numerous websites and blogs with shopping tips from other cd/tg people so much of this information below is nothing new, but perhaps it's new to you.

I don't go out in public dressed; my shopping takes place in guy mode. I have pierced ears with small hoops and I wear my hair on the longish side compared to most guys (not long enough for a pony tail), but I'm clearly presenting in guy mode.  I'm not trying to fool anyone, I'm just shopping for the next clearance bargain that I didn't know I needed.  So clearly, I'm a guy shopping for women's clothes.

I rarely shop at the mall as I'm concerned with bumping into someone from my guy life, but some stores are only at the mall - namely Torrid.  I prefer stores that have limited visibility inside or to the outside of the store.  Burlington is a tough store as they are a big box store with all low fixtures means that someone over in the Mens or Children's departments could glance over and see me shopping for dresses or intimates.  That high degree of visibility is a concern of mine so I don't shop at stores like this all that often and certainly not close to home.

I used to consider myself the queen of returns.  I'd quickly shop, get out of Dodge, try on the clothes at home and return what didn't fit.  It's a pain returning items but my budget for this wardrobe is small.  Making returns was my first big exposure to having to have a conversation about the women's clothes.  "Is there anything wrong with it?"  "Did she not like it?" are the common questions.  I'm sure in the early days I was a deer in the headlights guy who was outing myself as a crossdresser just fumbling for an answer.  These days there are two routes that I take - humor or honesty.

The humor response is something along the lines of "You know, I can never get the sizes right for her" or "I guess my tastes sure missed the mark".  These are me trying to deflect away from the possibility that the clothes were intended for me.  I use this at bigger stores where I just don't want any attention - stores like Target, Walmart.  I do not expect to build much good will at such stores.  One thing to note, I never actually say it was not for me.

TIP - Naturalizer Outlets do not stock much in size 12 - they only had three pair the day I was there.

The other response is honesty.  I take this route at smaller stores where I do anticipate shopping at again and where I'm likely to encounter the same sales people.  A recent pair of shoes I bought at the Naturalizer outlet needed to go back.  During the shopping process I kept up the guise that I was shopping for someone else.  When I went to return the shoes, the same sales lady was working, when she asked "Oh she didn't like them?" my response was "They didn't fit quite right, and actually they were for me."  The sales lady didn't skip a beat or change her demeanor - our conversation continued as normal as could be.  She told me what days shipments arrive and the fact that there is free shipping if you order online and have it shipped to the store.  The great thing is that her acceptance (or lack of negative reaction) set me more at ease for shopping more at her store in the future.  Next time I shop there I'm likely to just try on the shoes.

Ah yes, trying things on.  I'm doing this more and more.  A few years ago, a sales woman at Torrid offered me a dressing room.  I was shocked and said no thank you.  After 15 more minutes of shopping I returned to her and said, "I changed my mind and would like to take you up on your offer for a dressing room."  "Great, follow me" was her response.  That changed a few things for me: 1) I am now a HUGE fan of Torrid, 2) if the store vibe feels right for me, I'm just going to try things on.

The biggest thing for me with this is to be respectful of the other shoppers and the store employees.  I will only ask for a dressing room if the situation feels right.  I'm not out to shock others or push their boundaries of acceptance.  Someone recently told me "I love to see the look on their faces when they see me buying panties" - that is the opposite of what I'm talking about!!  I only want to foster good will for me and the next CD/TG who comes into the store.

I'd like to learn from you!  Where do you shop?  What works well for you?  Where have you been accepted?  What stores do you avoid?